My younger sister, Amanda Jill Hoppe Clamors, died on August 8, 2011. She was only 46 years old. I wanted to write a poem about her, but I can't express my feelings that way right now. I realized this morning that I have been thinking about my life lately, and the following is some of my musing:
I was thinking how nice it would be if we could make an appointment with God when we are about to face changes in our life. He would hand us a little summary of what we could expect, depending on what choices we made. We could choose which plan we would like to go with, (like the other day at work, when we had to choose what insurance plan we would like.) Would we be happy if we knew what to expect? The answer is 'no' for me, once I thought about it. I would drive myself crazy wondering if I would be happier if I had chosen a different scenario. Besides, life would not be as enjoyable if I knew what was coming. The lows in our life make us thankful for the highs. I would not be as happy and grateful for the good things in my life if I did not have the bad to compare them to.
I was thinking this morning (walking to work puts my brain in a philosophical mood) that life is like going on a boat. My life feels like it is rushing along most times, like I am kayaking on a river that has white water rapids. I have energy and feel exhilarated. Other times, it feels like I am on my grandfather's old lobster boat, out on the bay, stuck in heavy fog. I don't know where I am going and I am afraid of running aground on ledges, so I stop and listen for the fog horn to guide me and move slowly toward its sound. The fog horn, as you might have guessed, is God's voice. I have to turn the motor off and listen, because the fog muffles the sound and makes it hard to determine what direction it is coming from. The good news is that fog does not last forever, and the sun will eventually come out and burn it off. My life will move on.
I will remember happy memories that I shared of people that are not in my life anymore. It helps me to accept my sister's death when I think that when she arrived in heaven, my grandfather, grandmother, and a bunch of other relatives and friends were there to welcome her. Until I join them, I will appreciate my life a little more, play a little harder, love those around me a little more, and feel a little closer to God.